another broken relationship

Sorry iv been away. Iv been trying to settle in to work , by the time i come home im usually shattered. I went to spin class today and exercised on the crosstrainer for an hour monday so my legs are feeling pretty naff. My boyfriend pretty much broke up with me. Being the narcassist he is . Its all my fault.

Im also in the middle of a kidney infection or possible kidney stones , probably from the starve binge cycleeeee. And i have been waiting to get more antibiotics because the first lot didnt worrrrk.

I have to cancel a trip i booked for me and the ex b  for his birthday so will most likely lose £200 . Im feeling low . Shit . Upset and pretty worthless. Like i actually dont think iv ever his rock bottom like this . Im really struggling. I just want ana to cradle me and not let anyone else in ever again.

I have no control im such a fat mess

i dont know how i feel

So yesterday morning i weighed in at 124lbs  this morning im back up to 127 after eating with the boyfriend . I basically ate my whole body weight in chocolate.
In trying to be better today but i feel physically awful and i know for a fact its because of what iv eaten. Its amazing how restricting and fasting makes me feel. Almost pure . Iv feel really ill this morning its similar to that hangover feeling you get but after cramming alnost 2000 calories in my body im not suprised i feeo like fucking crap.
I hope this doesnt throw me off the track. Im hungry right now but i need to calm it. Iv taken a laxative to to try and settle my stomach
I pray to god im not back where i started monday. I still have another two days to spend with him theres no way i cant eat. It sounds really sad but when i feel like im slipping i just look at photos of his ex girlfriend . Shes beautiful in everyway and i would never compare.

where are you all?

Hope everyones doing well, there doesnt seem to be much activity on here . Tumble weed style.

Truth be told in starving. But im not caving. Im also kinda frustrated. I woke up this morning and weighed and was exstatic that i was down another pound . But the satisfaction soon wore off and im just annoyed its not more. The boyfriends spending three days straight with me this weekend so i proba ly  wont get rid of any more :/

Let the games begin!
Sigh

127!

I weighed this morning at 127!. I started at 134 and that was last thursday soo im pretty happy its close to my first goal 125! I had another chicken salad today so my restricting/ healthy eating must be working well! I am starting to feel exhausted but its most likely the pressures of the new job too

So yup. Thats all today!

Xx

nobody likes being the new girl

I started my new job today,

I was nervous and worked up even more about the otherhalf not speaking to me . I ended up saying sorry to keep the peace even though i shouldnt have. I think hes still sulking with me.

But yes the jobbbb! I had an amazing first day it was brilliant , everyone was really welcoming and lovely. My manager actually had stuff planned for me which i was really lucky because there were to new admin starters in different teams, and they were plonked at a desk to read like all policies and not really payed much attentio. I sat behind the one girl but not for long as he moved me about and got me to work and meet new people straight away. It sounds daunting but it was actually  quite a relief to know i wasnt going to be making tea and photocopying all day.

I came home walked the dog and then made a salad for the next day i didnt eat to day i managed to blame it on nerves.
however i made a salad to take tommorow and ate some of the beetroot and a tiny bit of chicken . No more than 300 cals

Hope you are all well
xxx

its never like it is in the films

I feel like crap, frustrated angry and lonely.

What the hell is his problem. A whole weekend wasted because hes stubborn. Hes completly selfish. Sometimes.

I want to scream. I want to cry i want to crawl into a hole and stay there.

I honestly hope he feels as crap as i do right now like hell am i apoligizing for being shouted at. Why cant he understand things cant always go his way. Hes such a narcassist.

Romance is totally dead, its never like it is in the films. They never turn up unexpected with an a sorry. They never send you random notes. They dont even fight for you.