I have no control im such a fat mess

i dont know how i feel

So yesterday morning i weighed in at 124lbs  this morning im back up to 127 after eating with the boyfriend . I basically ate my whole body weight in chocolate.
In trying to be better today but i feel physically awful and i know for a fact its because of what iv eaten. Its amazing how restricting and fasting makes me feel. Almost pure . Iv feel really ill this morning its similar to that hangover feeling you get but after cramming alnost 2000 calories in my body im not suprised i feeo like fucking crap.
I hope this doesnt throw me off the track. Im hungry right now but i need to calm it. Iv taken a laxative to to try and settle my stomach
I pray to god im not back where i started monday. I still have another two days to spend with him theres no way i cant eat. It sounds really sad but when i feel like im slipping i just look at photos of his ex girlfriend . Shes beautiful in everyway and i would never compare.

where are you all?

Hope everyones doing well, there doesnt seem to be much activity on here . Tumble weed style.

Truth be told in starving. But im not caving. Im also kinda frustrated. I woke up this morning and weighed and was exstatic that i was down another pound . But the satisfaction soon wore off and im just annoyed its not more. The boyfriends spending three days straight with me this weekend so i proba ly  wont get rid of any more :/

Let the games begin!
Sigh

127!

I weighed this morning at 127!. I started at 134 and that was last thursday soo im pretty happy its close to my first goal 125! I had another chicken salad today so my restricting/ healthy eating must be working well! I am starting to feel exhausted but its most likely the pressures of the new job too

So yup. Thats all today!

Xx

nobody likes being the new girl

I started my new job today,

I was nervous and worked up even more about the otherhalf not speaking to me . I ended up saying sorry to keep the peace even though i shouldnt have. I think hes still sulking with me.

But yes the jobbbb! I had an amazing first day it was brilliant , everyone was really welcoming and lovely. My manager actually had stuff planned for me which i was really lucky because there were to new admin starters in different teams, and they were plonked at a desk to read like all policies and not really payed much attentio. I sat behind the one girl but not for long as he moved me about and got me to work and meet new people straight away. It sounds daunting but it was actually  quite a relief to know i wasnt going to be making tea and photocopying all day.

I came home walked the dog and then made a salad for the next day i didnt eat to day i managed to blame it on nerves.
however i made a salad to take tommorow and ate some of the beetroot and a tiny bit of chicken . No more than 300 cals

Hope you are all well
xxx

its never like it is in the films

I feel like crap, frustrated angry and lonely.

What the hell is his problem. A whole weekend wasted because hes stubborn. Hes completly selfish. Sometimes.

I want to scream. I want to cry i want to crawl into a hole and stay there.

I honestly hope he feels as crap as i do right now like hell am i apoligizing for being shouted at. Why cant he understand things cant always go his way. Hes such a narcassist.

Romance is totally dead, its never like it is in the films. They never turn up unexpected with an a sorry. They never send you random notes. They dont even fight for you.

broken fast, chicken soup for the soul.

So its 13:40 after a 46 hour fast i caved in two reasons really to stop myself binging on absolute crap and i dont wanna be in the posistion where i eat a small meal and automatical gain 7lbs of water weight because iv fasted so long! At least this way i can hopefully still get rid of the pounds and prevent myself from binging and feeling worse

Anyway i and had chicken soup (164 cals) three crisp breads (72)

I have also had two cups of tea with two sugars each at around 16 cals per sugar so i think iv ran up around 350 cals i do feel slightly sick but i think its just the anxiety of eating kicking in.

Its just a typical sunday here , im in my sweats , iv walked the dog. Usually i spend the weekends with my boyfriend but he hasnt spoken to me since friday, stubborn, it was so petty. Bleh!  Relationships are hard and draining sometimes. My body feels sleepy but my mind is doing overtime. Im finding it hard to keep myself entertained. I often hope that i will just fall asleep as it always takes up a part of the day. It creates less time to battle with my mind.

Anywayyy what are you guys up to x
much love
lola x

maybe she can make her self dissapear altogether

Hey,
Im lola. Im 22 and im from the uk. This blog is just some where to escape, i dont encourage eating disorders. I just need a place to vent and not be judged.

For as long as i can remember i have had an on and off relationship with food. I curled up in a ball last night and sobbed, i asked my self if i would have the same issues when i was 40, thinking niavely
 thats would be a more mature age to "grow out of it " .  Then i realised im 22 im an adult now and im still dealing with this.

The sad thing is im not skinny enough to be classed as anorexic , im not even seen as small or petite. Im 9 stone 3 at 5ft 4. Im mostly made up of fat.

The lowest i ever made it was 7stone 11. Iv never felt satisfaction and pride like it. It soon went away. But i want to be small i want to have control over something thats my own. No one can tell me when to eat. They can tell me what to wear , who im allowed to speak to , who i should have on social media accounts. But they cant control this and they wont see this. This is just for us me and whoever else seeks comfort or understands this insane method of exsistence.

It all started with a controlling ex, i wasnt allowed anywhere. In the end i got so bored couped up i used this as something to keep me busy. It never left my head. It became my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time.

Iv been fasting for two days although i dont feel quite empty i feel better . Like i have a hold on something thats gonna be great.

I dont care what anyone tells me. You are seen as lovely if you are thin. And how ever physically weak it make me feel. The more mentally stronger i become.

Because to be honest i have nothing else to offer. Im plain , uninteresting and may as well be invisable.

Also if anyone can help me figure out how to change the lay out of my texts so its not bunched up that would be great. Im not good with stuff like this!

Much love x
lola