Im lola. Im 22 and im from the uk. This blog is just some where to escape, i dont encourage eating disorders. I just need a place to vent and not be judged.
For as long as i can remember i have had an on and off relationship with food. I curled up in a ball last night and sobbed, i asked my self if i would have the same issues when i was 40, thinking niavely
thats would be a more mature age to "grow out of it " . Then i realised im 22 im an adult now and im still dealing with this.
The sad thing is im not skinny enough to be classed as anorexic , im not even seen as small or petite. Im 9 stone 3 at 5ft 4. Im mostly made up of fat.
The lowest i ever made it was 7stone 11. Iv never felt satisfaction and pride like it. It soon went away. But i want to be small i want to have control over something thats my own. No one can tell me when to eat. They can tell me what to wear , who im allowed to speak to , who i should have on social media accounts. But they cant control this and they wont see this. This is just for us me and whoever else seeks comfort or understands this insane method of exsistence.
It all started with a controlling ex, i wasnt allowed anywhere. In the end i got so bored couped up i used this as something to keep me busy. It never left my head. It became my best friend and my worst enemy all at the same time.
Iv been fasting for two days although i dont feel quite empty i feel better . Like i have a hold on something thats gonna be great.
I dont care what anyone tells me. You are seen as lovely if you are thin. And how ever physically weak it make me feel. The more mentally stronger i become.
Because to be honest i have nothing else to offer. Im plain , uninteresting and may as well be invisable.
Also if anyone can help me figure out how to change the lay out of my texts so its not bunched up that would be great. Im not good with stuff like this!
Much love x
lola
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